ritsulightblue

recently i was all-in model, and a couple of times i getted back to the just acting or "usual" cut shows. first was because of mental problems. another one -- because of thoughts that i really was better in oldie days like.. just an mask, i dunno. now? i'm back in da town. to the my first shows; when i was newby and didnt understood nothing at the momento yet. why? webcam difenetly broke me. but only on one side of me, about understanding who i'm really am. about my sexuality. i'm straight, lol, and all things i did.. and will not do. and the other problem.. narcissism probably. u know, our brains go via habits and id jerk on myself so many times here.. just to see -- how im looking on, how good i should be, and so on; you know. and... i used to do a lot of **** just to improve or i thinked that i can to imporve or i have no borderlines. but i'm understand now: i have them and i'm glad that i'm undestand it. and, nothing bad in this place. at all. this place gifted me so much good people in my life and possibilities to improve and grow my actor, musician and personality inside me (because it's straightly shows me how and what can be, it's helpful). a lot of good, really good things happend with only because i was regular worker here. and who's the hell will drop this after all? it''s.. hard. what i'm gonna do? i'll go and seek for a regular job, because my earning here (specially now, it will be) is very low. like, i cant say the sum because of bonga rules, but i counted my earning for are year and i'm kinda like.. lowest class i can say. so, i will be here sometime. as in good old days. maybe jerk. bass. dance. performances. chatting. so on. but, yep. i will not look at myself anymore just to be sure i'm looking good. i will refuse all the stuff for "job" i have. (already did). and i'm.. just will be myself. even for a play game, i will decline any offers for a gay stuff u know. just here. as i'm. no extreme. yay guys.

15* I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16* And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17* As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.